Waiting definitely sucks...

What's up my people?

I am in my two week waiting period; as far as I know.  My cycles have been out of wack since I got off the pill.  My last period was only two weeks after the one before.  And that one I had to wait six weeks to get.  So I don't really know when I'm ovulating is what I'm trying to say.  But if my calendar is correct I have already ovulated and I am now in the waiting game.

Yes I know there are ways to figure out my actual ovulation.  I tried to do the ovulation tests on my previous cycle but it is more complicated than I thought it would be.  I work during the day and my tests said it's best to test between noon and 4.  A. That's a really big non-specific time frame.  B. I work at a small church and I am literally the only person who is of TCC age so I can't just be throwing ovulation tests in the trash cans.  I'm trying to have a little bit of mystery here.  C.  It says not to drink too much water before you take the test because it could dilute your pee too much to be accurate.  But I only drink water and that is what makes me have to pee so...how much is too much water.  These tests are so complicated! 

And on top of those complications it completely stresses me out and makes my anxiety too high to get all those negatives.  So I just didn't do any ovulation tests this cycle.  I feel 100% more at peace. Picking up a meditation practice might have something to do with that too.  But just NOT seeing all those negative ovulation tests that look exactly like positive pregnancy tests is helping my anxiety.

I also haven't taken any pregnancy tests.  They aren't very accurate until you miss your period anyway so I've decided to trust my body to tell me if I am pregnant or not.  I have found that waiting to get your period is a lot easier than taking a pregnancy test every day or two after your ovulation day and getting a bunch of big fat nopes.  One big nope every cycle from my body is enough disappointment for me.  And when it gets to the point where I am 'late' (even though my cycles are cray), my plan is to take only one test a week until I get a positive or I get my period.  Taking a test isn't going to make me any more or less pregnant so why give myself the negative reinforcement.  For my own sanity I choose not to see as many nopes.  

Waiting is still a bitch but my meditation practice has been helping me with that.  I have recently rediscovered meditating and so many good things have come out of it already.  I have felt much more at peace overall.  I have also been more kind in my interactions with others.  I have been catching myself when I am being a jerk and re-saying what I truly mean to say.  I'm starting to understand what I'm really feeling and what I truly mean to say.  I think I'm knocking on the door of my purpose and it feels good. It is so good to feel good about life and my direction and my purpose.  It is good to feel at peace with myself.  

Waiting definitely sucks but I feel good about using this time to become an even better version of myself for my future children.  I want to be my best for them.  I believe that the bond between parent and child is sacred and I want to honor that bond.  I think that many times our inner voice comes from what our mothers and/or fathers said to us and what they said to themselves that we overheard.  I know I cannot be perfect but I at least want to give my children a better inner voice than I had growing up.

I want to give them the inner voice of confidence and power and knowing who they are from the beginning.  I want them to know that they are beautiful and that beauty is a social construct that changes all the time.  I want them to know that they have beautiful souls and hearts and that is the most important part of their beauty.  I want them to know that their intelligence can be put to use in many different ways and I want them to know that I don't have all the answers.  I'm just another messy human being with flaws and traits that they might not want for themselves.  And I want them to know most of all that they are loved.  So very loved in all moments.  Loved when they mess up, when they fail, when they try again, when they give up, when they find their path, when they are successful.  They will be so loved and I will show them how to love themselves during those times as well.

These are the things I think about and work on during the two week wait.  What about you?  What do you do to pass the time?