In the last ten days I have taken about 8 pregnancy tests, gotten an ultrasound, and still not gotten my period.  And I'm still not pregnant.  

Start Here if you are new to my story.

Last Thursday I went to my lady doctor's office to get an ultrasound.  They told me to empty my bladder and then I waited for a long time.  

When I got there I was told to empty my bladder even though everything I read online said I’d probably have to suffer through having a full bladder and a transvaginal ultrasound at the same time. 

I felt like I was going to throw up. Just nerves. I was thinking about all the things that could be wrong.  I’ve been hoping that they don’t find anything horribly wrong with me. No abnormal lumps. No broken Fallopian tubes. No empty ovaries. No miscarriage. No early menopause. No broken uterus. No broken anything.

Everyone else in the waiting room was super preg and very obviously showing. I can’t wait to be part of that club. 

Then they called me in to have the ultrasound.  The ultrasound tech asked me a few questions about what I've been feeling and when my last period was.  I told her that I was on day 40 of my cycle and everything on my right side had been hurting or cramping.  She had me take a pregnancy test since I could possibly be pregnant.  It was negative.  Then she handed me the wand to put into my vagina.  It was pretty narrow so it didn't hurt.  She starting taking pictures and marking the size of things.  I could sort of see the screen and I didn't see anything that looked like the pictures of positive pregnancy ultrasounds that I'd seen online.  The tech told me that she can't say 100% that I'm not pregnant but that she didn't see anything that would indicate that I was pregnant.  She didn’t see anything up in there. Nothing to show I'm pregnant and nothing terribly wrong with me which is good I guess.

They also took blood and ran some tests. They said even the blood test can be inconclusive because it only tests positive if you have a certain level of the hormones. They told me to keep acting like I'm preg (no drinking and such) even though I'm probably not.  They said I might get my period in a few days but I might not.  They also told me to call if the pain got any worse.  

And that's it.  I could possibly still be pregnant but most likely not and I might get my period or I might not.  There could still be something terribly wrong but maybe not. 

Zero answers and somehow zero hope.  I'm feeling not great right now. Pretty depressed overall.  Trying to fake my way through but I'm terrified that something is wrong and I won't be able to get pregnant.  

I've always wanted to adopt but as I've gotten older I also want to have a baby with my DNA.  I suppose you could call it my ticking clock or my biological imperative or something similar. 

I don't know how to end this one because I'm not feeling hopeful.  I guess I'll just quit typing and hope that my hope comes back.